Yikes

I am so stressed right now. Ugh, everything is going downhill. My parents think that I'm a useless delinquent, and, ugh, I don't even want to detail. I just need to rant. Sorry if you think this is a waste of space. I think this is very usefull at the moment. Although I feel ashamed of spamming on my blog--Wait, what am I saying? Loosen up!!!! Okay. I can do that. Here goes!!!!

RANDOM, WHACKY, CRAZY SMILEY IN ACTIVATION.

CAUTION!!!!

When cows laugh does milk go out their nose?!

Nyahahaha!!!!! I'm INSANE!!!!!!!!!!

Shut up!!!!

Oho, this reminds me of a conversation I had with myself!!! Funfunfun!!

It went like this:

"I love you!!!

I love you too!!

You're the coolest person I know!!

Yeah, yeah, whatever; but seriously, we're BORED!!!

BORED?! Hm...I never would have noticed!!!!

Boy, what a waste of my time!!

You mean OUR time, right?

Yes, yes; whatever the case may be. AAAARRGH!!!!!

Ooh, I liked the dramaticism indicated there, buddy!!!

I just knew you would!!!

You mean 'we'.

Stop it!!! You are SERIOUSLY annoying me!!!

Well, stop annoying yourself, then; sillyhead!!!!

Just be quiet!!!!

You be quiet!!!!

Hush up!!!!

Shush up!!!!

Calm down!!!

No, I hate you!!!

Oh yeah?!! Well, I hate you!!!!

I hate you more!!!!

I HATE YOU MORER!!!!

I HATE YOU MOREREST!!!!

I'm not talking to me ever again!!!!

*closing my mouth because I'm not talking to me ever again, either!!!*"

Ugh, I'm so stressed I think it's messing with my brain!!!!

Stress!!!!

STRESS!!!!!

STRESS!!!!!!

STRESS!!!!!!!!!

STRESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

STRESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*hyperventilating*

*heart pounding in throat*

*ears ringing*

*eyesight fading*

*freaking out*

*gasping for breath*

*thump on the floor*

*twitching uncontrollably*

*dramatic music in the backround*

Everything is still. Nothing moving. Nothing living.

DUN

DUN

DUUUUHHH!!!!!

Wow!!! That was more fun than it should have been!!!!! I think I'll do this more often!!!! HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA!!!!!!

Seriousness

I think that I need to tone it down a bit. My dad warned me not to put too much of myself on this blog. He doesn't want someone, like a future employer, to be able to find something "bad" or "revealing" about me. Kinda paranoid, but you can't blame him--he's a computer programmer of sorts.

I'm glad that, looking back, I have written thought out posts and flavored them with my thoughts. I simply don't want to have the pressure of writing something serious every time I post. I want the freedom to blog about whatever I want. Maybe I'm being paranoid too, but I feel pressured to write things with a purpose. Perhaps I'm doing it to myself. If that's the case, I don't want to be the one to limit myself. Writing serious things is fun to do, and it's good for you. But random, fun, and silly things are good for you as well, so don't become a stiff--like I almost did. I'm giving this advice to those who might need it, so if it doesn't apply to you; forget it. I've noticed on a couple of occasions that when I say something even slightly critical about a subject, people often take it as if I was criticizing them. Which I wasn't. Bad communication.

And here I am, being serious again!!!! I need to loosen up, and I'm proof enough for myself. If I seem to be writing silly or foolish things on this blog, remember this post. I'm trying to improve myself, balance myself out. Bear with me. I'm going through a very serious and tough stage in my life right now, and this is how I'm going to cover it up and deal. Just thought I ought to clue you in. Have a good day!!! Don't hold back, even if you are self-conscious about what people think(which by-the-way is a silly thing to do)!!! YAY!!!!!!! IT'S SNOWING!!!!!!!!!!!!

Evaluation

I know a lot on this subject. I get evaluated all of the time. I try not to evaluate people often; because I know that I don't know the whole story, so therefore I am most likely wrong. I don't want to make the same mistakes people make over and over and don't learn from. That's a human conspiracy.

If what I say is insulting or unreasonable to you: tell me about it. I want to fix my problem if it's there. You'd be helping me, and I'd find your view interesting. I'm open to independent thought. Try me.

At school I find myself in a position, where I just recently learned, I am being watched very closely. I'm even a topic of conversation. I found this discovery unnerving and surprising. I am just glad that I gave nobody any reason to hate me or dislike me in any way. That I'm a reasonably good example. People have their opinions on me, and I don't care what they think. Being viewed as a good person is important for me, but I'm not desperate to change their opinions. If they think I'm a bad person, that's too bad for them. They're wrong.

Many of you have your own opinions on me. You might think I'm ditzy, stupid, obnoxious, or annoying. Those are some narrow minded views, but I think that from how I used to be on this forum you've got reason to think that. Don't be quick to judge; it goes both ways, remember that. The fact that one judges is a reason to judge someone. Twisted concept. I'd just like you to know, if you have formed your own opinion on me, you are wrong. I don't know anyone here, (except for three people with limited knowledge), who really knows who I am or what I am like. But that is my fault and choice. Ever thought that being overly-optimistic might be a mask? That actually helps some people through their day, and I've actually kept someone from suicide before. It's not a bad thing. Or, just because I'm a "SBO", and "popular"(so called); that I am shallow or stupid or mean? These are stereotypical thoughts that might be flying around. They are wrong. Get over yourselves. I'm just a normal person just like anybody else. Except, I've decided to do something with what I've got and do it well.

I don't like to judge people. I have a high standard, yet my expectations are zero until I get to know a little about them. I'm not expecting anybody to be nice, friendly, smart, responsible, sensible, or good; because lot's of people aren't, and they don't want you to be condescending to them. People are to be treated at their own level. Although you should treat them with respect, it's only fair. I don't think that I know people's motives for doing what they do, or how/what they think, or what's best for them in their situation--whatever that may be. It's unfair to judge for that reason. Even though people naturally think that they do what they do for a good reason, even if they might be wrong, it's not right to immediately suppose that what they're doing is wrong and you are right. You may not be as smart as they are, and you're not in their personal situation. Treat everyone with respect, and you will receive it in turn. That's ideal and how I like things.

I have a critical view of myself. I have many contradicting characteristics. I think I'm humble and honest. Then, I also am proud and vain. I'm not going to tell you what I think of myself. What I think is in my head and I will only force it out if I think it will do some good. It would take me a long time to explain myself anyway. I'd rather save time and say something short and sweet. Even the most brief responses can have deep subliminal meaning. Think about that.

I try to be good, but a person has every right to be critical and cynical. So do I. I was told by someone who I respect that they seem to be getting better and better, while I seem to be getting worse and worse. They were wrong, and had judged too soon. I have heard it said, "Better to keep your mouth shut and leave them wonder about how smart you are, then to open your mouth and remove all doubt."-or something to that basic implication. I was not getting worse. I am more than I show, and that's basically all you need to know about me.

Try your best to be your best, and view the best in other people. It might be ignorant, but in this case, ignorance IS bliss. The world is a happy place if people are only as good as they are, or can be.

Have a good day. Merry Christmas. Happy New Year. Good luck. Remember to smile!!!!

Friends

I have no true friends. Sad, but true. I have high standards pertaining to the definition of "friends". People I know from school, people I've met, people who talk with me--it's all a joke. Or so it seems. I don't really know many of them personally; and I don't know how many of them only talk to me because I'm Smiley: The SBO who everybody knows and "likes". I consider a friend to be somebody who is understanding, honest, helpful, and caring. Understanding in a way that they know what's going on in my life. They know exactly what's happened in my life. They don't make guesses or judge me. They know what I do and know my motives for doing it. Honest in a way that they tell me the facts, and know that that's how I'll respond. They don't lie, and they don't hold back. They are not only honest with me and with others, they are honest with themselves. Helpful in a way that they want to help me, others, and themselves. They would have as much of a desire to help others as I do. Which means that they will go out of their way to make somebody's life better. Caring in a way that they try to be empathetic--not sympathetic, people resent that--with people who are in need of comfort, and want to help out. They would defend those who are being bashed or put down. They would try to bring people out of their misery.

I have never met one other person with all of these qualifications. But I believe that friendship is a double-bladed bond. Not only do they have to be qualified, but so must I. That's what I'm trying to do/be daily. I think that's partly why I'm in the position I am today. People like and appreciate who/what I am and seem to be. I am ready and waiting for a person like me. I've been to many places and met many people. I'm not meaning to offend them by saying that most of them don't have half of those specifics. You shouldn't go around telling others to improve so much as you should be improving yourself. I have listened to people criticizing others, showing their hypocrisy. I keep my mouth shut, knowing well that someday people will find me guilty of the same. Except that people are less likely to feel the need to bring you down if you've done nothing but bring them up. It's good to know that people have no reason to hurt you. It's good to know that they love you. That's something you don't hear every day.

Some people who I consider to be the closest thing I have to true friends are as follows: Ninja, Genius, Twitchy, and Veggie-(in no particular order). If you are not on this list, don't be offended. I simply can't think of any more at the moment.

Know that I truly want to be your friend. I want you to be happy and healthy. I want your life to be lived to it's fullest. I want you to experience joy.

So smile, it's a good day!!

My answer

This is an answer to a question I was asked on an educational forum. I'm not going to post the question, so if you're not part of the class I've got two things to say: 1-Cry me a river, build a bridge, and get over it. 2-Why the frick are you reading my blog?!!!I thought it would be appropriate to put this response on my blog. I'm sorry that I haven't posted anything on this for about a month. I can't believe how busy I've been! I've been trying to keep up my grades, do all of my piano, and get everything that needs to be done done. I hope that I will be able to keep participating in this engaging group. Here it goes:

I love my family. I love my friends. I love others. I love learning. I love music. I love life. I love work. I love challenges. I'd love a chance, an opportunity.

I care about my family and friends-people close to me. I care about people I don't know. I care about you. I care about helping people. That's something that makes me happy. It makes me feel better knowing that you feel better. I WANT to help you. If you need help, remember I'm there. I'm different than you might think. Don't be quick to judge-you're probably wrong.

I like people who are honest with me. People with a sense of humor, positive personality; yet are realistic and smart. I try to surround myself with people like that. They help balance things out.

Things that matter to me are virtues and values. Talents and disabilities. Music and other forms of art. Family and friends. You. Him. Her. Them. Us. Relationships and communication. Culture and history. Knowledge and wisdom. Learning and discovering. Growing and maturing. Punctuality and responsibility. Imagination and reality. Common sense and deep thought. Acknowledging and awareness. Humor and seriousness. Obviousness and obscurity. Peace, love, and tranquility. Joy.


I don't think that it is fear that holds us down. At this point in my life I don't know if I can identify what it is, but I'll try. I think that it's partly laziness. We don't work as hard or as much because we have so much technology that we can do things twice as fast and it doesn't take much effort. Another reason I think is ignorance or naivety. Most people have never left the states, or even their own state. They hear stories about what's happening in the world, but they really don't care. They don't realize how important and education, work ethic, or strong values really are.

I don't know how to add anything about the age gap that hasn't already been said. I think that Kole did the best job at explaining it, so I'll leave it at that.

I've had to think about this one. I don't know why, but I've never really thought about what I fear. It's just never seemed that important. I now realize that it can show me a little part of myself, a way that I can further understand myself.

I-like others-fear pain and the possibility of pain. I will go out of my way to avoid pain, or help others avoid pain.

I fear not being enough. I would hate not being able to help, do work, to do. I'm glad that I have a strong body and a sound mind. I appreciate my talents and skills. I love being able to be the best I can be and do the best I can do. I don't know how I would be able to survive if I was paralyzed or disabled in some way. It just seems so restricting and terrible.

I fear disappointing people I care about. Mainly my family. My friends come at a close second. Then there's the people at school. I don't fear disappointing them as much as I fear not making their day better than it might have been.

I fear disappointing myself. I have a high standard for myself, and if I don't keep it I feel terrible and depressed. For example, I literally made myself sick over the fact that my grades are suffering. That's why I was absent today. My parents have a high standard for me, too; hence, why I'm so strict about it. I know that my grades don't reflect what I know-my grasp of the concepts are very strong. It's just that my parents view my grades as a reflection of how I'm doing. They are disappointed. All of my grades are B's, and I just got away from a half hour lecture about how I need to do better and that I've disappointed them. My moral isn't very high, to say the least.

But for you, I'll try.

I worry about school. I worry about family. I worry about friends. I worry about the present problems. I worry about the future, and the effects of the past. I worry about relationships. I worry about myself. I worry about not being better than myself. I worry about helping you. I hope that you are alright.

I hope you have a nice day!!!

(Sorry that this is late, Mr. T. I've been SUPER preoccupied, and I hope you will let me still stay in this!! Merry Christmas!!!)

Love? Yeah, right.....

This is an old conversation that's been talked about since forever. I just thought I should bring it up!!

I've never had any success in this field, whatsoever. I've been interested in girls since Kindergarten, okay? I can remember the name of every girl that I've ever liked. I remember what they looked like, and how they treated me. I am not/wasn't dumb. I could tell that nobody liked me. Those certain girls were no different. It seems like every time I like someone, they don't like me back. I can remember a couple of times when a girl started to like me after I had already given up. (When I give up, that means that it's totally and completely over). It pretty much sucked.

There are still the occasional few girls that attract my attention. I'll make it short by saying that it never works out. Then again, I'm not much to look at; so I understand why. I'm not sure what I'm looking for, though. I'm not sixteen, so I can't date yet. I just think that it would would be nice if a girl I like liked me back. I know. Pretty dumb, huh?

Then there are the people who I like as friends, but they like me more than that. I found out that it kinda ruins relationships. I also found out that it's pretty embarrassing for both people.

I love my family. I love them unconditionally. Meaning I can be angry at them, or vice-versa, and we'll still love each other, no matter what.

I love my friends. I love them in the way that I want to help them. Not like family, exactly, but almost, sorta, kinda close.

I love my neighbors. I love them in a way that I want to help them, too. In a more respectful and helpful way, I suppose.

I love the little guy. For hanging in there, and sticking to it. For taking advice and help. For letting me be his friend.

I love the quiet. For the way they think and accept. I empathize with them, and I know how to help them.

I love the un-popular. For being realistic, and smart. For being above the "populars" in a way that the "populars" will never understand.

I love the friendless. For being reasonable and accepting me as their friend.

I love my enemy. I can only think of one person of whom I could call that. I love him because I forgive him and feel sorry for him.

I love you. For reading this dumb blog, and bearing with me--no matter how dumb and retarded I am and can be!!

Those are just a few different kinds love in my life. That's not what I wanted to talk about, but that's what came out; so deal with it. So to sum it up: I love my family and friends, and everybody else out there, too!! I have also noticed that a love life for me isn't happening any time soon.....kinda depressing.....oh well!! That's not what matters!!!! I can think, I can understand, I can make you smile, I can talk, I can walk, I can see, I can dance, I can sing, I can eat, I can sleep, I can stand, I can run, I can breath, I can laugh, I can cry--but I don't, and most importantly; I AM ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!

Teen-Age

When I was a little kid, I saw shows that had teens in them. It always showed them doing stupid stuff, being bad, being emotionally unstable, and lots of other things. I would watch, then tell my parents, "Don't worry. I'll never be like that!". But ever since I've become "one of them", I've caught myself doing some of that kind of stuff. Like talking back to my parents, or thinking for myself, or wanting to be with other people my own age. It's frightening! My parents keep on complaining that I'm officially a teen-ager, and that I'm impossibly bad, uncontrollable. That's because I've been able to see things that could be improved, and I want to help them out. But no!! Whenever I try to do something right, it seems to them like I'm messing up, making it all worse, or it just makes them angry. I guess that seems like I'm being narrow-minded, or I'm just making this up, that I just don't understand what's going on, or I'm just being a teen-ager; but seriously-that's not it. I'm VERY intelligent, (now guys, don't start laughing), and I understand what's going on--they're ignoring me, and my genius; thinking that it's just some "stage". They think that their ideas are automatically better than mine, and it scares them that I could be coming up with ideas like mine.



Just kidding!! Wow, if you all think that I'm really like that, then you DON'T know me at all!!!



I LOVE being older! I get to do so much more stuff now!! I get to hang out with friends, go places, see things, and experience new things!!! I can influence the lives of others, and have fun doing it. I get to look forward to my life and all of the promises that it brings. I can go to school sport games, and meet new people. I can go to dances, meet girls, and have fun with everyone there!!! I get to grow and get taller-I'm looking forward to that!!



Then again, I'm also afraid of growing up. I don't want to have to worry about all of those adult problems. An adult has to: pay the bills, pay taxes, go to work, pay taxes, get married, pay taxes, raise a family, pay taxes, vote, pay taxes, drive in traffic every day, pay taxes, get a college degree, pay taxes, support family, pay taxes, do well at work, pay taxes, make ends meet, pay taxes, and die(shock from the raise in tax-rate). I like having not as many responsibilities. All I have to do right now, is get in the right direction to have a successful life. Meaning that I have to do well in school, learn new skills, understand how to act around others, ect. I'm not looking forward to having to pay taxes!!!!



I don't know. Maybe it'll be fun....who am I kidding? I'll just try to do the best I can against all of the worldly forces that will be trying to push me down. I hope it gets over quick, then I can be comfortably retired, and have fun with my grandkids. Then, I can die. Good idea, huh?!



I guess that I'm looking at this in a bad way. Maybe I'm being a little pessimistic. That, or totally realistic. Either way, I've no choice in the matter, so I might as well deal with it. Look at me. Here I am. Bring. It. On.